After a 3-week time-warp through February, often led to believe that we'd take be escaping on a chartered plane swerving out of the wreckage that once was Antananarivo, I've been sent back to site a little shaken up and with a little less confidence in my organization. Now that I'm back home I'm amazed at how many things that, had I not returned, I would never have thought of again. Places in town, views, feelings, objects in my house. People I like, people I loathe, people that scare me. The small yellow dog that hangs out in my front yard all day (it has recently taken to standing up on its hind-legs at my window and peering into my room). How crushing it is every night when I realize how uncomfortable the cheap piece of foam is that I call a mattress. The kids who run to my back yard every morning when they see the door open and stare at me as I brush my teeth and wash my face (while providing running commentary on it: "Look! Adam's washing his face! Look!")
I had a similar experience when I went home last summer, thinking after only a few days how it seemed unreal that a week ago I was sitting in a rural village in the middle of Madagascar. It makes me glad that I've kept this blog, and also that it seems realistic for me to move on, immediately, with my life once home and not think about this place for a while. Throughout the consolidation period, and especially when Peace Corps first offered us all a “Get Out of Peace Corps Free” card, people often asked me why I didn’t just go home if I hated it so much. They had a point, no doubt. I get no satisfaction from being here, I hate teaching English as much as the students hate learning it, and I fundamentally disagree that Peace Corps should even have an English as a Foreign Language program in Madagascar. So why do I stay?
- Pretenses aside, pride is a huge factor. Quitting just doesn’t seem to be an option when everyone else is staying. I also have a difficult time changing my mind once I’ve decided on something (also known as being stubborn as a mule).
- Besides, if I were going to resign myself to the idea of quitting, I’d feel even worse knowing that I didn’t just quit a year and a half ago, or even a month ago when it was made acceptable. Somehow, in my head, seeing this through until the end will validate my decision to have stayed this whole time.
- Plus, I don’t have the heart to call the principal of my school and tell him that, though everyone else is staying, I hate your town so much that I can’t possibly stick around for the last 4 months.
- And it is only 4 more months. And only 15 weeks of school. I’m sure it’ll fly by.
- Not to mention I’d still give it a 50% chance we’ll be evacuated. Peace Corps tells us it’s 0%, but this thing has only gotten worse, not better.
Maybe it’s true that there’s no chance of being evacuated, but it’s hard not to live and work like it might be true. In fact, we’ve been told to scale back our way to the things we can accomplish in the short term. Long-term projects and such aren’t feasible right now, especially anything that requires funding. (That said, I think I’ll be returning money that anyone donated to our field trip soon. Fianar isn’t stable enough to bring 21 high school students here for 3 days.) All of this makes our work, in my opinion, even less valuable. We’re already supposed to be working and thinking small. I truly pity newer volunteers who signed up to teach people about health and the environment (and even teach English) that have to accept such low standards and wondering how much they should invest themselves in their community if they’ll only be pulled out and sent elsewhere at the drop of a hat/hand grenade. (Not everyone feels this way, though, so take my views with that caveat.)
As for me, still without any form of communication at site after 1.5 years, I can just teach lesson by lesson and look out the window every time I hear a car passing, wondering if it will be Peace Corps this time, coming to tell me to pack me stuff and say goodbye. Forget long term goals, I don’t even want to start a new book I’m so mentally prepared not to still be here after a few days.
